It Has To Be
by coldfiredragon
Summary: She wanted to know what made me, me, and I can't tell her. A confrontation with Zell leads Irvine to explain why he can't love Selphie. languageviolent themes Part II of the Silver Bullet Arc


**Summary: "She wanted to know what made me, me, and I can't tell her. A confrontation with Zell leads Irvine to explain why he can't love Selphie."**

**A short piece infirst person piece told from Irvine's point of view. It takes place sometime after the game ends. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or any of the other games in the Final Fantasy series. Hyne I wish I did.**

**I love reviews**

**RATED for LANGUAGE and ADULT THEMES, may be overrrated . If you think it is rated too low leave a review saying so and I'll change it.

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She asked me about my childhood.

She wanted to know what made me, me, and I can't tell her.

It hurt to see the tears in her eyes when I told her to forget about me. It's better this way. She doesn't need to know.

Knowing would spoil her.

I take another swig from the bottle sitting on my desk. I'm far from drunk but even a little keeps the pain away.

/If Caib could see me now would he be proud of me/ I never have an answer. He told me never to get attached to people and I did.

I meant what I was saying when I told Squall that sharpshooters are loners. We do our job and don't question our orders.

But she was our Matron and I questioned my orders. Then, I made real friends.

I never meant to get attached to anyone, especially a girl like Selphie.

I can't love her. The only thing I could do was tell her to forget me.

She ran out of here with tears in her eyes and I pulled out a bottle of Galbadian whiskey.

A loud noise causes me to reach for my shotgun before I realize that it's Zell. Judging from the tone of his voice he is pretty mad. Selphie.

"Open thedamn door Kinneas." I sigh and get up to let him in. The floor is cold under my bare feet and I shiver.

He's pissed. As soon as the door opens he storms in and I have barely enough time to get it closed before he hits me.

I let myself fall. Before he can kick me I'm back on my feet and have a knife pressed at his throat.

He's scared. I can tell because a slight sheen of sweat rises to his skin. I let him go and he stumbles.

I turn away from him to sit down. When I turn back to him he's staring at me.

"What do you want Zell?" I know it has to do with Selphie.

"What in Hyne's name was that Kinneas?" Some of his anger is coming back and I smirk at him.

"Defending myself." His eyes narrow.

"What did you say to Selphie? She's not one of the girls you can play your damn games with. She loves you."

I can't look at him.

"Answer me Kinneas." My hand twirls the knife absently and with a flick of my wrist I throw it. It tumbles through the air and sticks in the wall a few inches from Zell's head.

"I could have killed you if I wanted to." He's staring at me like I've lost my mind. "That's why I told Selphie to forget me." Our eyes lock. He doesn't understand.

I lean back in my chair and study him. He's uneasy and breaks eye contact.

"We all know how to kill. You're a soldier just like the rest of us." I chuckle quietly and look at him.

"You're the soldier. I'm an assassin."

"Don't split hairs."

"I'm not."

"When was the first time you killed Zell?" He looks ashamed.

"Sixteen. A field mission, I didn't mean for it to happen." He falls silent.

"When do you think I killed for the first time?" His looks at me, studying me. I stare back. "Take your best guess." He looks away and thinks for a minute.

"Sixteen, maybe seventeen, like the rest of us."

"Twelve." The bottle of Galbadian whiskey is back in my hand.

"Liar!" I shake my head and pull the brim of my hat a little lower. I don't want him to see my eyes.

"I was twelve years old when I first pulled the trigger." My voice is hollow as I try to control my emotions. "I still remember the guy's face. I didn't have a GF to take it away."

"Why?" It's such a simple question.

"Because Caib said I had to."

"Who?..."

"Caib." I consider telling him the whole story. Maybe it's the alcohol. "My mentor."

"Some mentor." His tone makes me angry.

"You didn't know him so don't judge him."

"Anyone who orders a kid to kill is no mentor Kinneas."

"You have no idea what it means to be an assassin do you Dincht?." I spit his last name like he spat mine.

"Enlighten me." We fall into an uneasy silence and my hand tightens around the bottle as my mind wages internal war. Finally I make my decision.

"I was placed in Galbadia Garden when I was six. They quickly realized I was amazing with a gun and when I was ten Caib took me on. For five years he was the only adult I trusted. He became my father. I loved him so much it hurt."

"We didn't settle in one spot. We were always on the move. I spent more nights under the stars than I did with a roof over my head." I lower my eyes to keep Zell from seeing my tears.

"Whenever he got a job he took me and when we were laying low after the hit he would teach me. I learned everything I know from him. We would spend anywhere from a week to a month living in the wilderness to avoid getting caught." A slight smile crosses my face and I look up.

"The worst was the month we spent in the mountains around Trabia. It was shortly after my eleventh birthday. I probably would have frozen to death if Caib hadn't kept me warm at night." I lapse into silence as memories of my childhood wash over me.

"What happened to him?" The softness of Zell's voice startles me.

"He was killed shortly before my fifteenth birthday. We accepted a hit in Esthar. It was my job. I made the kill and we separated. Caib was captured." I suddenly find it hard to speak and I take another drink to calm my nerves.

"We always split up after the hit. We were supposed to meet. It was our routine but he never showed up."

"They broadcast his execution as an example and the guy that captured him got the $500,000 gil bounty that was on Caib's head." An uncomfortable silence rises between us and Zell breaks it.

"I didn't know."

"You needed to know."

"Why?"

"Because Selphie deserves better than me and you seem to care about her." He flushes bright red. "You like her don't you?" He flushes deeper and I laugh quietly.

"She loves you though." I sigh and rub my eyes.

"You have to change her mind. I can't offer give her what she wants."

"You could try."

"Fine Zell, I'll marry her and when I'm called out for months on a hit and have a price on my head you can take care of her." I hadn't meant to shout at him.

"Is that what you want me to give her Zell?" All my anger is suddenly gone.

"Irvine I..."

"Wasn't thinking maybe?"

"No I..."

"I what Zell? You can't suggest anything that I haven't thought of a hundred times over. I can't be with her. I won't risk her life like that. I chose my life when I took revenge on the guy that got Caib killed." Hyne I wasn't going to tell him that part.

"You killed the guy that..." I cut him off again.

"I never regretted it." There my secret was out, damn liquor. "Do you understand now?" I'm pleading at this point. Before I realize it Zell is standing in front of me. He's prying my fingers from the death grip I have on the bottle and I let him. It can't do me any good now.

"I understand." Two little words. I know that he will take care of her.

"Thank you." It's enough. It has to be.

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